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Aha! We’re NME and we’re here to bring you a tasty selection box containing some of the best quotes from Alan Partridge’s brand new, Audible exclusive, debut podcast, From The Oasthouse. Pulling these together was a herculean task. A) Whittling them down to just a handful and b) getting the podcast’s theme song out of our head. No need to thank us. Smell my cheese, etc…
On revenge…
“I’m ashamed to say I’ve started several rumours that gained some traction. I said Trevor McDonald had nits. That Brian Ferry can’t ride a bike. John Humphrys hung a rabbit from a tree. The last one I got a cease and desist letter, so I did… But I’d already said it. Oh, I also said Fiona Bruce doesn’t brush her teeth.”
On cleanliness…
“I do think it’s important to use a proper letter opener. You don’t want to pry your finger under the envelope flaps if you can avoid it. A lot of letter writers still lick their envelopes to gum them closed, and with the best will in the world I worry about the transfer of germs. Easy to imagine the teaming bacteria reproducing frantically in a warm sorting depot.”
More Alan Partridge. Maybe more than you bargained for… pic.twitter.com/zQg5WRODlM
— Audible UK (@audibleuk) August 14, 2020
On dating…
“As an ice breaker, as we sit down to dinner, I might say, if it’s a very ornate place, ‘Who designed this place? Genghis Khan?’ Or if it’s austere, ‘Who designed this place? Oliver Cromwell? It does rely on a little bit of general knowledge. If I sense she doesn’t know that Oliver Cromwell was a puritan – it happens – I’ll instead say, ‘Who designed this place? Stevie Wonder?’ The only time it went wrong was when the woman said, ‘Why?’ I said, ‘Because it looks horrible’. She said, ‘What, you think Black people are shit architects?’ I said, ‘No, um, no, obviously not. Not Black people, blind people. I love Black architects!’ She said, ‘Name one Black architect’. I panicked and I just said, ‘I’m not obliged to answer any of your questions…’ which soured the evening. She made her excuses and left. Saved a few bob on desert.”
On remembrance…
“I turned up to the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday dressed as a giant poppy. The reason is, I’ve always thought it’s a very sombre day and a little – a little – levity wouldn’t go amiss. It was a misjudgement. Even the Help For Heroes boys were askance. It’s not like I had it made especially. A friend of mine dressed as a tulip for Gay Pride and I merely opened up the petals and added a small black bin lid for the button. Why’s it okay to wear fancy dress for Gay Pride and not Remembrance Sunday? Are we saying, ‘Gay people are better than dead people’?, because you’ve got to be very careful suggesting that.”
On America…
“We all love a cowboy! The Stetson-wearing ones, not the sort that come around to your house to fit a shower tray and say, ‘You have to pay for materials in advance’, say they’re going to start at 9am, then arrive at 9.30, spend half an hour drinking your tea, before starting at 10, then disappearing at 2pm. No, the Gary Cooper type…”
On charity…
“One of the little-known things about me, is that I like to give a little bit back. I work in a soup kitchen on Christmas Day, filling hungry bums with hot food. It isn’t just nourishing for the tummies of the homeless, it’s nourishing for the soul of me too. More than anything, it’s not about the extra food, it’s about the banter. I love the banter. They might say to me, ‘what are you doing here on Christmas Day, Partridge? Don’t you have any mates?’ and quick as a flash I’ll reply, ‘What are you doing here on Christmas Day, don’t you have a house?’ Or they might say, ‘Hurry up, this soup is as lukewarm as your career!’ and I’ll reply, quick as a flash, ‘Don’t you have a house?’”
On Madchester…
“I have a problem with kids meeting in service station car parks to go to a secret rave. You’re getting in people’s way. Service stations provide essential haven for the weary traveller. Whether it’s families that need to get out and stretch their legs or get a snack, mum wants a magazine, busy salesmen rushing in to grab a coffee or just another lorry driver popping into the toilets for a wank, service stations are a vital cog in our transport infrastructure.”
On disability…
“Just because someone is disabled doesn’t mean they can’t be mean. Look at pirates. If they’re not missing a leg they’re missing a hand or an eye or something. There’s Oscar Pistorius. Davros from Doctor Who. Richard III had issues. It doesn’t change anything.”
On superheroes…
“Far from being impressive, I’ve got to say, superheroes and superhero films, pretend men and women with superpowers, get on my nerves. I haven’t seen any of the films, but their presence and tight colourful suits on posters and billboards I think are visual pollution into one’s daily aesthetic experience. The heroes I like are the Milk Tray man or George Lazenby as Bond. They didn’t need superpowers to get into a woman’s bedroom.”
‘From The Oasthouse: The Alan Partridge Podcast’ is available now on Audible
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